How to Cure a Clan
by Tsuki no Ojo
Summary: ThunderClan goes completely nuts! Only Firestar is sane, and even he may be affected. With the help of a wanted StarClan cat named Boba, he must make it to the Mountain of Idiots to cure his clan. Can he do it?
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! You know, it's funny how stupid ideas can come at the most random time, say...while taking a shower, or playing a video game. Right? Right. Well, that's what happened to me. I was playing Zelda, and then it hit me. And that's how I came up with this.**

**Oh, and this is AU. Nothing, or most, of this story never happened in the books. Only in my mind...Ah, now the boring stuff.**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors, though I wish with all my heart. I'm just using it to unleash the untamed wilderness of my mind, okay?**_

_**Disclaimer Number Two: I do not own the name Boba Fett. Nor do I own the helmet.**_

_**Slight, Almost Claimer: I kinda sorta not really own some not all of the things that these cats do. Oh, and I own Lunisola and Boba and the other non Clan cats.**_

~*~*~

_How to Cure a Clan_

_The Mountain of Idiots_

~*~

_Chapter One_

~*~

"Firestar! You need to see this! Hurry!"

Firestar groaned. His clan had some serious problems, it seemed. At least for the past week. That's all he had heard the past seven sunrises. "Firestar look at this. Firestar look at that." The ThunderClan leader was about sick of it. The only cats sane in the idiotic clan were he and his daughter, Leafpool. And even she was being slightly crazy.

"Firestar! Quick! Leafpool's getting on the back of Crowfeather's motorcycle!" cried Sandstorm.

That made his pelt bristle. The leader jumped up and bolted out of the den, just in time to hear an engine rev, and see his daughter's light brown tabby fur streak across the grass, and out the entrance of the camp. "What in the blazes?!" the scared father cried to his mate.

"I know! She took off with my oranges! Now I only have three!" the she-cat cried, pulling three oranges from her pockets.

Firestar sighed. His mate had gotten an uncontrolable liking for oranges ever since a ginger tom carrying a whole lot of the fruit came through. He sold them to her for half of the fresh kill pile, and a nest for three days. He also told her that there were trees behind the abandoned two-leg nest that grew twenty oranges each during the middle of green-leaf. Of course, his mate had gone several times to get them.

"And there won't be very many oranges now!" she cried.

"Well maybe if you hadn't gotten so many!" Firestar yelled at her. The she-cat flinched.

"Whatever. You're just jealous. And no, you're _**NOT**_ taking my oranges. Go find another orange tree." the crazed she-cat stalked off.

Sometimes Firestar wondered if it was really worth it...

_~Moonhigh~_

It was almost moonhigh when Leafpool got home. Firestar was waiting for her when she did get there. He jumped down off of Highledge when she walked into the camp. "And just where were you, Leafpool?"

Leafpool gasped and said, "None of your business."

"You nearly gave me a heart attack. Do you know how worried the clan was?" he asked.

The medicine cat snorted. "Right. I'm sure Sandstorm and her oranges missed me." She turned and ran to the medicine cat's den.

Firestar gritted his teeth. He realized that he was the only cat who actually had a brain.

The leader stalked back to his den. _Oh, StarClan. What will happen?_

_~Dawn~_

Firestar woke up to find terrified shouts from outside. "Yes! Oranges!" The leader instantly knew that Sandstorm was awake.

"Firestar, come outside!" Cloudtail, who was standing at the entrance of the den, yelled.

The leader stretched, stood up, and walked outside. "What is going on?" he asked sleepily. His eyes instantly bulged.

Right smack dab in the middle of the camp, oranges were stacked into a huge pile.

The ginger tom screamed. He couldn't help himself. "Sandstorm! What the dark forest did you do?!"

Sandstorm smiled. "My orange dance." The she-cat held up two oranges and started running in a giant circle.

"Right, then. Well, since Sandstorm has destroyed all of the fresh kill, we need some hunting patrols. Graystripe gather up six or so cats to hunt."

Graystripe saluted the leader. "Aye, aye, sir." He turned away and walked to the other cats. "Which of ya sea scum be willin' to join me on a huntin' party." he said in a pirate voice.

Firestar gazed at him. His dearest friend had, unfortunately, gone crazy, too, and had thought that he was a pirate. The leader felt sorry for him. Though he had been in a poor state, the gray tom was still a good and loyal cat.

"Cloudtail, you also find cats to go on a hunting party." the leader said.

His nephew gasped. "Hunting? But a princess does not hunt! Ew!" The snow white tom shuddered.

Cloudtail, probably because of his mother's name, thought he was a princess.

"For Pete's sake, you landlubber! You ain't a gal, never will." Graystripe growled at him.

"I agree. The technical definition of a she-cat is--" Brambleclaw started to say, but was cut off by Squirrelflight growling.

"Quiet, Brambleclaw! We all know what a she-cat is." the ginger she-cat said in a deep voice.

Ferncloud walked out of the nursery. "Listen to your brother, Brambleclaw. He knows everything. Remember, darling, you're only a she-cat, so you aren't important." she said in a high pitched voice.

That got Sandstorm into all of it. "Hey, you piece of fox dung. Those are _my _kits! Squirrelflight is _my _son, and Brambleclaw is _my _daughter! Leave them alone!"

And _that _got _Dustpelt _into it. "Hey, dudes...Uh, I mean dudettes. Dudettes, let's not fight. War is not the answer. Flowers, and love, and lava lamps...That is the right path." he said in a hippie voice.

"Love? Mouse dung! You know nothing of how the world works. Nothing is ever based around love and peace, you hippie! Can't you see? _Love_," Cinderpelt spat on the ground. "is why we die!" She donned a military uniform and started singing something patriotic.

"No." a new voice said. "This is not the way to solve anything." Firestar, who was starting to panic, looked around. His eyes widened. A calico she-cat with green eyes was sitting near the entrance. "My name is Lunisola. I have come to help you solve this case of stupidity."

Firestar's jaw dropped. "Can...the others see you?"

Lunisola smiled. "No. Only you. That is because I have chosen to come back from StarClan and help you. You see, I was part of ThunderClan a long time ago. This has happened before, I'm afraid. And I was the one to save the clan. And I must do it again. But not alone. Boba!"

Suddenly, a giant staircase fell from the sky. A ginger tom wearing a helmet descended it. "Hello." he said when he was at the bottom. "My name is Boba Fett (**A/N: For you Wars fans out there...(including me!)**) but cats just call me Boba. I am Lunisola's brother. We are here to lead you to the Mountain of Idiots. Only there will you find the cure to this horrible stupidity."

Firestar nodded. "Thank you...But I can't just leave my clan like this."

Lunisola sighed. "I understand."

"They might die without me." the leader said.

Lunisola sighed again. "I understand."

Firestar shifted. "They might separate and my clan will be no more."

Lunisola sighed yet again. "I understand.

"That's annoying." Firestar tried.

"I understand." came the expected reply, only this time Boba said it. "She can be a little weird."

Lunisola stood up. "You must go. I will watch over your clan without you. It might be hard, but I have done it before."

"Really?" the leader asked.

"Um...No, but how hard can it be?" Boba said. "Just go. Your clan will be fine."

"Yes. Boba, you will go with Firestar to the Mountain of Idiots."

Firestar sighed in relief. "Thak you so much. I am glad that I will finally be able to cure my clan of this horrible disease."

_~Sunhigh~_

Leafpool shouted with joy as the black motorcycle sped away. Firestar knew she wouldn't be back until moonhigh, as usual. He stared after her in worry as he realized that her actions could be the result of her troubled home life. The leader made a mental note to keep a watchful eye out for her when he returned from his journey. Perhapes he could find a difference in her behavior.

Firestar stuffed the last of his clothes in his small suitcase. Boba walked into his den. "Ready? Good. Just remember to keep up. I'm getting the cure for this clan even if you die on the way." Boba's eye twinkled with warmth, and the leader knew that he was joking. Or at least he thought.

Sandstorm walked in. "Firestar, I'm glad I caught you alone." Firestar remembered that she, along with the rest of the clan, couldn't see Boba or Lunisola. "I wanted to give you this. You might need it." His mate dropped four oranges onto his nest. "Eating two oranges will cure a cat of severe stupidity. I know what you're thinking. I don't have enough for the whole clan. Even if I cure a few cats, stupidity spreads. I cured myself, but I don't know how long it will last. Firestar, do you know what happens when a cat gets too stupid?" Firestar shook his head. "If a cat gets too stupid, they start to foam at the mouth, and then slip slowly into madness. They eventually become so stupid they forget everything, even who they are. It's horrible to watch, even worse to be the victim. The process starts about five moons after a cat catches stupidity. That's why I called those oranges. I don't think any other cat likes oranges, though. I heard you talking to yourself about curing us. But remember, Firestar, not even oranges can rid an entire place of stupidity. I wish you luck on your journey. If you need more curing oranges, which I pray you won't, you can find them around just about anywhere. They usually grow on pines, the ones that can cure you. Any other ones can't. Bye bye!" Sandstorm suddenly turned and ran out of the den.

"I never knew your mate could be so serious..." said Boba, who had been watching the whole thing. "She's right, though. But we're not looking for oranges. You'll see when we get there."

The two cats walked out of the den, said goodbye to Lunisola, and padded out of the camp. "Follow me. Since your clanmates have had the disease for about a week, we have some time, but we need to hurry if we are to get there and back in less than five moons. To get there, we shall run like StarClan cats!" The deceased tom yowled up to StarClan, and they both started running.

"So this is what it's like to run as a StarClan cat..." Firestar whispered to himself.

"Yes." Boba answered the statement. "You know, it's not a surprise why you haven't caught the disease yet. You must be immune to it, or have lost a life while sleeping, which cured you of it. Or the bug hasn't come in your den."

Firestar hoped with all of his heart that it was the last one.

~*~*~

**I know the Boba Fett thing is kinda weird, but oh well.**

**Hey, you, if you want to hear what happens to this story, keep reading until you hit the bottom of the page.**

**See that little purple button? Yeah, the one at the bottom of the page? If everyone who reads this reviews for just one chapter, even if it's not long, I will have enough reviews to feed the clan cats, give Sandstorm more oranges, keep Crowfeather's gas tank full (we all know how hard it is to keep a tank full, these days), and fund Firestar and Boba's trip. Please review!**

**This way to the review button**

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	2. Chapter 2

**I know that last chapter was short. Oh, and by the way...Did you guys review? No? Yes? Well, if you didn't, then you aren't very nice, are you? Thanks to the people who reviewed last time! You know who you are *wink wink***

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_Chapter Two_

~*~

_Sandstorm_

Sandstorm was sitting in Firestar's den. She knew it was around the time that Leafpool usually got home. The cured she-cat was starting to take an interest in her daughter's relationship with Crowfeather. _Maybe this is a bad idea..._She thought.

When the sound of a motorcycle stopping and the intense giggling of an overjoyed teen she-cat filled the leader's den, the mother knew instantly that it would be awkward. But it would be even worse for her daughter if the clan was cured before this relationship ended.

The pale ginger she-cat jumped onto the ground, and walked toward her daughter. Little did she know that another can was behind her. Lunisola leapt gracefully from Highledge, and padded up to the scene to get a better view.

"Leafpool, we need to talk. In private." Sandstorm threw a glare at Crowfeather, who was wearing tight, leather jeans.

Leafpool groaned. "Fine." she turned around. "See ya later, Crowy." The teenager followed her mother to the leader's den. Lunisola, who was invisible to their eyes, followed.

When the mother and daughter were in the den, Sandstorm sighed. "Leafpool, I know you are having a hard time dealing with the...behavior...of the clan. But that is no reason to stay out late. Especially since you're a medicine cat. You know you are forbidden to have a mate."

The light brown tabby's pelt bristled. "Stay out of my business! I can do whatever I want, when I want!" She started to flee, but was stopped by Lunisola, who had pushed a small boulder from the top edge of the stone hollow. "We're trapped!" Leafpool cried.

Sandstorm hissed at her. "You are so insolent! How dare you speak to me that way!" She raked her claws down Leafpool's side, but she barely touched her daughter's skin. "Do you know how scared Firestar and I are? Staying out with Crowfeather is not right. Your clan needs you, Leafpool! Cinderpelt is getting older. She can't do everything on her own."

"I-I'm sorry..." Leafpool whispered as she started shaking.

"Sierra Sierra, do you read? This is Charlie Papa. I'm comin' in to get ya. Don't ya worry, she-cats, I'm gonna rescue ya!"

Leafpool watched Sandstorm's eyes light up. "Cinderpelt!"

"Watch out, she-cats! Get to the back of the den! I'm launchin' a Molotov!"

The small boulder burst into flames as the Molotov exploded. Cinderpelt doused the blaze quickly. "Leafpool! I didn't expect you back so soon." she said.

Sandstorm noticed that the gray she-cat's voice was becoming cracked and thin, and she secretly hoped that Leafpool did, too.

~*~

_Firestar_

Firestar was having a restless night. He and Boba were already at the Horseplace, where Floss and Smoky had taken Firestar in. They didn't know about Boba still. "How's Daisy doing?" Floss had asked him before they tucked in for the night.

"Not so good. The whole clan has been acting weird lately. I think they have a nasty case of stupidity. That's why I'm going to the Mountain of Stupidity. I was told by a tom named Boba that there is a cure there." he answered.

Smoky's ears perked up. "Did you say Boba? My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather's uncle had a cousin who had a sister who had an uncle who had a great-great-great grandfather named Boba. What did this guy look like?"

Firestar stared a long moment at the tom before answering weakly, "Calico."

Smoky jumped up. "My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather's uncle's cousin's sister's uncle's great-great-great grandfather fits that discription!"

The leader started sweating. If the two Horseplace cats knew about Boba, they would freak out. "It's probably just a coincidence."

Smoky sighed. "Probably. Wait! Did he have a sister named Lunisola?"

Firestar gulped and fought back a scream. Boba was Smoky's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather's uncle's cousin's sister's uncle's great-great-great grandfather?! "Um...Well...Anybody could have a sister named that..."

The gray and white tom gasped and stood up. "A ghost!"

Firestar also stood up. "A StarClan cat!"

Floss stared wide eyed at the leader. "You mean to tell me that you talked with Smoky's ancestor's ghost?! That's awesome!" She laughed nervously when the toms glared at her. "Um... I guess I'll leave you two to catch up." She turned and disappeared out the door.

"Listen, I don't know why but I have a feeling like I'm bothering you two. I think I'll just go now..." Firestar started edging out the door.

Smoky stopped him by pushing him to the ground. "Tell me, where is Boba, for I very much desire to speak with him."

The leader gulped again. "Uh..."

Suddenly, Boba walked in front of Smoky. "Smoky. Stop." But Smoky didn't see him.

Boba gasped. "He can't see me! No wonder, too. Firestar, tell Smoky that I wasn't related to his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather's uncles' cousin's sister's uncle's great-great grandfather. I was related to him through his nine greats grandfather's uncle's cousin's sister's great-great grandfather's mother, which I married after she had him. He wasn't my blood son."

Firestar sighed in anger. "Boba is standing right next to me and he says he's not related to your nine greats grandfather's uncle's cousin's sister's uncle's great-great grandfather. He wasn't his blood son. That makes you not related to him. Trust him because he was there!"

Smoky walked away. "You serious? WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE DARK FOREST WAS ALL THAT FOR?!?!?! FLOSS, GET ME MY SEDATIVE!" Firestar could tell that the cat was upset. He backed out of the Horseplace and started running.

Boba was right beside him. "That was odd..."

~*~

_StarClan_

"Bluestar!" cried Yellowfang. "Who sent Boba and Lunisola down?!"

Bluestar's eyes flew open. She kicked aside the dark forest cat that was giving her a massage. "They're down there?! How?!" she screamed in panic.

Yellowfang's eyes were wide. "I have no clue! Look!"

The two she-cats looked down. Even though they had both been in StarClan for some time now, they were still freaked out about how the ground was clear when they were looking down at the territories.

Sure enough, much to their terror, Boba was guiding Firestar around the lake while Lunisola was watching the ThunderClan camp. "I don't mind her being down there. But _**BOBA**_?! We're all doomed! Or ThunderClan is, anyways...Same thing!"

Feathertail zoomed by. "We're in trouble if the whole of ThunderClan dies and goes to StarClan, though I know a few that won't. We'd have a heck of a migraine for the rest of eternity. Plus we'd see ShadowClan take over." she shuddered.

Tallstar groaned. He'd been in StarClan for, what, not even four seasons and he already hated Boba Fett. "We're all doomed." Tallstar announced the well known fact that striked dread into the cats' hearts.

"What's going on here?" said Shadowstar, the first ShadowClan leader.

"Boba and Lunisola's out." stated Bluestar. The leader had worked her tail off to keep Boba in, and now all of her hard work was wasted. Completely and utterly wasted.

"Who knows they're there." asked Shadowstar in a serious tone. She glanced down at the calico tom running toward the Thunderpath.

"As far as I know, Firestar and some tough guy named Smoky." Yellowfang said.

Shadowstar tilted her head. "Smoky? He's a Horseplace cat."

Yellowfang gasped. "And another Horseplace cat. Floss. Looks exactly like Smoky, only slighter. A she-cat, too."

Bluestar started to panic. If too many cats knew about Boba or Lunisola, then StarClan would be ruined. The perfect image of cat heaven destroyed. All because of one, blood hungry cat.

"I knew we should have threw him in the dark forest. But Thunderstar thought that he was like he was because of ShadowClan. What a piece of fox dung. Doesn't have the sense of a newborn kit. Ah, well, too late to turn back. Rule one, once in StarClan, always in StarClan." Shadowstar sighed and started walking away, saying, "You cats...You watch and make sure Boba and Lunisola don't do anything stupid. They do, you have the right to claw 'em."

The four cats groaned but continued to watch the two other cats.

~*~

_Leafpool_

Leafpool was in a sticky situation. A _very _sticky situation.

Somewhere in Leafpool's brain, there was a wire that needed to be pulled. And Sandstorm had pulled it. Hard.

But she knew it wouldn't be that easy to give up Crowfeather. After all that had happened...With her clan going crazy and her mother obbessed with oranges...Crowfeather was her sweet escape.

"I don't know what to do..." the young medicine cat told her sister. who had come to the medicine cat's den for poppy seeds.

Squirrelflight shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not a she-cat. The only thing I love are poppy seeds."

Leafpool eyed her sister, or...brother..., warily. "How long have you been eating them?"

"About a moon. They help with my battle scars." she, or he, said, though Leafpool knew Squirrelflight didn't have scars.

"Stop eating them, okay? I think you're addicted." the medicine cat said after she yawned. It was past moonhigh, probably near sunrise.

"What are you saying, Leafy?" asked Squirrelflight.

Leafpool glared at...her littermate...and said, "Stop eating them. Leave, Squirrelflight. I'm tired." She yawned and walked to her nest.

~*~*~

**Short, short, short, SHORT!!!**

**Your evaluation of this infinitesimal, imprudent subdivision will assiduously bring me a superfluity in vivaciousness.**

**In common tongue, I'll be really happy if you just review this chapter.**


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